Bud's Laws Original Master as of 9/16/2023 PLEASE NOTE: I am just a compiler of laws, some I modify and a very few I have authored. No authorship is claimed here.
1. History does not repeat itself. Historians merely repeat each other.
2. If it’s any good at all, they will discontinue it.
3. People who love sausage and respect the law, should never watch either being made.
4. The one-day you’d sell your soul for something, souls are a glut.
5. Never get into a fight with an ugly person. They have nothing to lose.
6. Everybody lies. It’s okay, though, because nobody listens.
7. When the going gets tough, everybody leaves.
8. Never attribute to malice what could more easily be explained by stupidity.
9. If the shoe fits, it’s ugly.
10. For every action, there is an equal and opposite criticism.
11. It is easier to beg forgiveness than get permission.
12. If you starve with a tiger, the tiger starves last.
13. How long a minute is depends on which side of the bathroom door you are.
14. By the time you get to the point where ends meet, somebody moves the ends.
15. Borrow from pessimists. They never expect it back.
16. He who hesitates is probably right.
17. Generalizations are always false, including this one.
18. Few women admit their age. Fewer men act it.
19. If at first you don’t succeed, try, try again. Then quit. No sense being a fool about it.
20. Never delay the end of a meeting or the beginning of a happy hour.
21. If it were not for the last minute, nothing would get done at all.
22. Nothing is impossible for the man who doesn’t have to do it himself.
23. No problem is too big, too complicated or too complex, that it can not be run away from.
24. You can’t win. You can’t break even. You can’t even quit the game.
25. In nature, nothing is ever right. Therefore, if everything is going right … something is wrong.
26. Anything that begins well ends badly. Anything that begins badly ends worse.
27. Once a job is fucked up, anything done to improve it will only make it worse.
28. Doing it the hard way is always easier.
29. Teamwork is essential. It allows you to blame someone else.
30. Everyone has a scheme that will not work. Everyone that does not work has a scheme that does.
31. If you keep your head while everyone is losing theirs, then you don’t understand the problem.
32. Authority tends to assign jobs to those least able to do them.
33. To err is human – to blame it on somebody else is even more human.
35. If you do something which you are sure will meet with everybody’s approval, somebody t like it.
36. The customer who pays the least complains the most.
37. The longer you wait in line, the greater likelihood that you are standing in the wrong line.
38. Anything labeled NEW and/or IMPROVED isn’t.
39. An expert is one who knows more and more about less and less until he knows absolutely everything about nothing.
40. The older you get, the tougher it is to lose weight, because by then your body and your fat have gotten to be really good friends.
41. It takes a big man to cry. It takes a bigger man to laugh at him.
42. If you think there is good in everybody, you haven’t met everybody.
43. He who laughs last, thinks slowest.
44. Birds of a feather flock together and crap on your car.
45. The 50-50-90 Law: Anytime you have a 50-50 chance of getting something right, there’s a 90% probability you’ll get it wrong.
46. If you’re going through hell, keep going.
47. Nobody really cares or understands what anyone else is doing.
48. Light travels faster than sound. This is why some people appear bright until you hear them speak.
49. The difference between genius and stupidity is that genius has its limits.
50. Anything is possible if you don’t know what you are talking about.
51. Do not argue with an idiot. They will drag you down to their level and beat you with experience.
52. A bank is a place that can lend you money, but only if you can prove that you don’t need it.
53. The network evening newscasts start off by saying “Good Evening” but then they proceed to spend the rest of the half hour explaining to us why it isn’t.
54. Knowledge is knowing that a tomato is a fruit. Wisdom is never putting it in a fruit salad.
55. If you long to teach surfing, don’t move to the desert.
56. Forgive your enemy, but remember the bastard’s name.
57. Help someone when they are in trouble, and they will remember you when they’re in trouble again.
58. Alcohol cannot solve any problems. But then again, neither does milk.
59. Health nuts are going to feel stupid one day when they are lying in the hospital dying of nothing.
60. Life is like a cherry pepper. What you do today might burn your ass tomorrow.
61. The longer the title, the less important the job.
62. When you don’t know what to do, walk fast and look worried.
63.It is impossible to make anything foolproof,
because fools are so in genius.
64.A fine is a tax for doing wrong. A tax is a fine for doing well.
65.If two wrongs don't make a right, try three.
66.Smile... tomorrow could be even worse.
67. Friends come and go but enemies accumulate.
68. If something goes right, subsequent events will show that it would have been better had it gone wrong.
69. The difference between genius and stupidity is that genius has its limits.
70. The qualities that most attract a woman to a man are usually the same ones she can’t stand years later.
71. The things that come to those who wait will be the ones left by the people who got there first.
72. If a problem has multiple solutions, the one you pick will be the most complicated.
73. The best way to get the right answer on the internet is indeed not to ask a question, but rather to post the wrong answer.
74. When you have the perfect comeback to an argument you will remember it hours later.
75. Managers all rise to their level of incompetence.
76. Never make a decision you can get someone else to make.
77. Adding manpower to a project that is behind schedule will delay it further.
78. Give a man a fish, and he will eat for a day, teach a man to fish, and he will sit in a boat and drink beer all day.
79. The probability of being watched is in direct proportion of the stupidity of your act.
80. The shin-bone is a device for finding furniture in a dark room.
81. Given a choice between two theories, take the one which is the funnier.
82. At any event, the people whose seats are furthest from the aisle arrive last.
83. Just when you see the light at the end of the tunnel, the roof caves in.
84. The longer that you wait in line, the greater the likelihood that you are standing in the wrong line.
85. As soon as you find a product that you love, they will stop making it.
86. Change is inevitable, except from a vending machine.
87. Flashlight: A metal tube used to store dead batteries
88. The probability of running into someone you know increases dramatically when you are with someone you with whom you don't want to bee seen.
89. The older that you get the harder it is to lose weight, bceause by then your body and your fat have gotten to be really good friends...
90. At some time in the life cycle of virtually every organization, its ablitity to succeed inspite of itself runs out...
91. The longer the title, the less important the job.
92. Anything you lose automatically doubles in value.
93. By the time when you really understand your phone, it's probably obselete...
94. A closed mouth gathers no feet.
95."That's a lovely nose ring", said no guy ever to a woman. Ever.
96. Money can't buy love, but it sure gets you a great bargaining position.
97. Statesmen tell you what is true even though it may be unpopular. Politicians tell you what is popular even though it may be untrue.
98. Nothing attracts the soup of the day more than wearing that a brand-new shirt. Extra points if it is white.
99. We will find out that efficiency is just a highly developed form of laziness.
100. If there is a worse time for something to go wrong, it will happen then.
101. Never tell anyone at anytime that you have nothing to do.
102. The best defense is to either stay out of range or duck very low.
103. Whatever the activity, the worse the weather, the more you will be out in it.
104. In any job, a simple instruction will be worded in the most complicated and incoherent way possible.
105. If an experiment works, you must be using the wrong equipment.
106. Inside every large problem is a small problem struggling to get out.
107. If you can tell the difference between good & bad advice, you don't need advice...
108. Nature always sides with the hidden flaw.
109. In any organization there is one person who knows what's going on. This person will be the first fired.
110.
