Rainbowws & Unicorns

 

 This was taken at The Final Four in Phoenix. With bro Mark & son Ben. UConn won it all again. Great times!

1) In this week's song we learn that this particular girl would rather be spending time with her lover. Instead of answering these 9 questions, what would you rather be doing?Ah, my dear friend, I’d rather be moonwalking on a rainbow while juggling flamingos and reciting Shakespearean sonnets to passing unicorns. You know, the usual Friday afternoon activities. 🌈🦄🔥

2) Lead singer Howard Kaylan was a very good student. First he won a Bank of America Fine Arts Award, then he was the valedictorian of his graduating class, and was awarded a scholarship to UCLA. Tell us about something that distinguished your high school career. Picture this: I was the Supreme Chancellor of the Nonsensical Society. My achievements included organizing the Annual Pillow Fight Championship (feathers flew, dreams soared), inventing a language called “Gibberishian” (it’s all about consonant acrobatics), and winning the prestigious “Most Likely to Accidentally Summon a Llama” award. 🎓🤪

3) Howard Kaylan formed this week's group, The Turtles, with Mark Volman. They met while performing in their high school choir and continued working together for 55 years. Are you still in touch with old friends from high school? Absolutely! We’re like a quirky ensemble cast from a coming-of-age sitcom. There’s Bubbles, the bubblegum artist; Ziggy, the stargazing squirrel; and Captain Noodle, who once tried to sail a kiddie pool across the cafeteria. We still meet up for Marshmallow Mondays and reminisce about our legendary dodgeball battles. 🤗🎈

4) First Daughter Tricia Nixon was a big Turtles fan and brought them to the White House to perform for a private party. They almost didn't go. When the engraved invitation came, tied with ribbon, the boys thought it was an elaborate practical joke. Have you ever successfully pulled off a practical joke? Oh, indeed! I once replaced my friend’s coffee with unicorn tears (they taste like rainbows, by the way). The result? He sprouted glittery wings and serenaded the office printer. Management was baffled. I call it “Operation Caffeine Enchantment.” ☕✨

5) The Turtles' bass player was Chip Douglas. He left the band in 1967 to produce The Monkees. It's Chip that Davy Jones refers to at the beginning of "Daydream Believer" ("What number is this Chip?" "7A!"). What's your favorite Monkees song? Ah, the Monkees—the original boy band with tambourines and psychedelic vibes! My jam is “I’m a Believer”. I sing it in the shower, at traffic lights, and during awkward elevator rides. Bonus points if you can harmonize with the potted plants. 🎶🌿

6) The Turtles broke up in 1970. Pressure from their record label to do more and do it cheaper was just too much of a hassle. But Howard and Mark continued to work together, renaming themselves Flo and Eddie. They sang backup on records by Frank Zappa, Alice Cooper and Bruce Springsteen and on children's TV shows like The Care Bears. Backup work provided less money but more fun. Given the choice, would you rather do a job that paid well that you didn't enjoy, or a job you liked that earned you a smaller paycheck? Listen, I’d rather be the Chief Mischief Officer at the Department of Whimsy. Sure, the pay is in giggles and imaginary cookies, but the office dress code allows for tutus and glitter capes. Plus, I get to file reports on Unicorn Sighting Frequency. 🦄📁

7) In 1967, when this song was popular, the RMS Queen Mary was retired after 31 years of service. Now docked in Long Beach, the ship has been refurbished with state-of-the-art wifi, satellite hookups, and projection screens and is a popular choice for conventions and annual business meetings. When were you most recently on a boat or ship? Picture it: the Queen Mary, now equipped with Wi-Fi, satellite hookups, and projection screens. Sailors are live-tweeting their sea shanties, and the ghostly orchestra plays Spotify playlists. The ship’s motto? “Sail Smart, Binge Netflix.” 🚢📺

8) Also in 1967, Elvis married Priscilla. You don't need last names to know who we're talking about, do you? Can you think of another couple with whom the world is on a first-name basis? Fred. Everybody in town knows him. He's great at Hook-ups for Threesomes.

9) Random question: If your phone were to ring right now, who do you think would be calling? Jill Hennessy. She still calls. Her "I'm leaving my husband soon for you has frankly gotten old at this point. I hope you folks enjoy your week. The first 7 quests were answered by Bing's ChatGPT. Next time I'll try Bard.

Talking With Food

1) The song is about a fellow who is exasperated by men flirting with his girl. Do you have a jealous streak? 

Let's just say, if someone tried to serenade my server with bad pickup lines, their uptime might suddenly become "downtime." But jealousy? Nah, I'm more like an old man Don Juan, spreading love to all.

2) He's blue after a quarrel with Sue. Did you exchange harsh words with anyone recently? 

Let's just say I had a heated debate with my toaster this morning. It kept burning my toast, and I felt personally attacked. But when you live alone, you talk and argue with food.

3) "Paper Doll" was #1 for 12 weeks in 1943-44, sold 11 million copies and remains one of the best-selling singles of all time. Had you heard it before today? 

Oh, yes, I remember "Paper Doll" like it was yesterday. I used to play it on my gramophone while rollerblading through the living room in my finest 1940s attire.

4) As kids, the Mills Brothers worked on their harmonies in front of their father's Piqua, OH, barbershop, much to the delight of passers by. Do you often encounter street musicians in your neighborhood? 

Oh, yes, they're practically my neighbors. In fact, I've considered inviting them over for tea and a jam session, but I'm not sure if they'd appreciate my kazoo solos.

5) The Mills Brothers were a long way from that street corner when, in 1936, they became the first African Americans to perform for the British Royal Family. It's about 4,000 miles from Piqua to London. What's the farthest you've ever been from home? 

London, on my honeymoon. Which one is anybody's guess.

6) In the early 1930s, the Mills Brothers not only performed songs on radio, they sang jingles for Standard Oil and Crisco. What commercial can you recall having seen (or heard) lately? 

This is a week after The Super Bowl. Don't tempt me.

7) In 1943, when "Paper Doll" was popular, WWII was raging and the US Mint began producing steel pennies because copper was needed for ammunition. Do you have any pennies in your pocket or wallet right now?  

 Oh, yes, I have a whole collection of them. I like to pretend I'm a wealthy pirate with a treasure trove of copper doubloons.

 8) Also in 1943, a bottle of Coke was a nickel. When did you most recently have a soft drink? What was it? 

An hour ago. My addiction to Diet Coke is severe.

9) Random question: Have you learned more from your successes, or your failures?

Oh, definitely from my failures. They're like life's way of saying, "Hey, remember that thing you thought you were good at? Well, think again!"

What A Meme!

 

Sunday Stealing

 

 

1. Do you tend to have a guilty conscious? Yes because I was raised Catholic. It's why I quit God at 14...

2. Do you still have your wisdom teeth? Yes.

3. Peanut Butter - creamy or crunchy? Really?

4. Get up off your butt. Take 5 steps. Which leg did you start out on? Somebody is stoned.

5. What color is your favorite kitchen utensil? How could you have one? Geez.

6. Did you watch the Michael Jackson memorial/funeral? Not at gunpoint.

7. Do you know anyone who graduated from high school this year?Were you invited to their graduation party? Did you go? Yes & no. NJ is a ride from AZ.

8. White with black stripes or black with white stripes? Maybe there are mushrooms involved here.

 

9. If we were to call your 6th grade teacher, what would they say about you? Not much. She had a fucking nervous breakdown halfway through it and we had a half year of subs.

10. Can you draw a perfect circle? No. Is there a prize?

11. What was your favorite scratch & sniff sticker scent? Bacon.

12. How many light switches and electrical outlets are in the room that you are in right now? Fuck off.

13. Do you know sign language? I know the alphabet.

14. Do you step on cracks in the sidewalk? Of course.

15. And the sheets on your bed look like....?  Sheets with leopard print.

 

 

Who Wants to Be Me?

Saturday 9: Long Cool Woman (in a Black Dress) 1972

Unfamiliar with this week's tune? Hear it here.

1) This week's song begins with Hollies' lead singer Allan Clarke telling us of a Saturday night trip downtown, taken at the behest of the FBI. What are your plans for Saturday night? (No, we don't expect you to tell us you'll be working undercover for a government agency.) I'll be nightclubbing till 2 AM. Or go to bed by 9...

2) At a bar, he meets a woman in a black dress. The LBD, or little black dress, is a wardrobe staple for many women because it's appropriate for almost any occasion. Let's say you get a last-minute invitation for a "dressy" dinner this weekend and you don't have the time or money to buy something new. What's your go-to outfit from your closet? My full Klingon Uniform is rather special.

3) Everyone at the bar starts to run when they hear sirens. Do you often hear sirens in your neighborhood? Never.

4) In 1972, the year this week's song was on the charts, Popeye's opened their first fast-food chicken restaurant in Louisiana. Now that the Thanksgiving feast is over, will you be eating any carry-out this weekend? Since I don't cook it's that or starve!

5) Black is this week's signature color because November 24 was Black Friday, when retailers historically have slashed their prices and the holiday shopping season begins. Have you begun your gift shopping? Why is it Christmas Eve?

6) Walmart, Best Buy and Target all advertise heavily on Black Friday. If you could have a $100 gift card from one of those stores, which would you choose? What would you buy? Our Targets sell vodka. Enough said!

7) This Monday is sometimes known as Cyber Monday because shoppers can find big savings online. Do you shop confidently online, or do you worry about security breaches and identity theft? No one wants my identity.

8) What are you thankful for this year? Family & friends.

9) Random question: Who was the last person you spoke to on the phone (texting doesn't count)? My sister wished me a happy Turkey Day.

 

Bud's Laws - new updated from the orginal 50 - we close in on 100

 

 

Bud's Laws Original Master as of 9/16/2023 PLEASE NOTE: I am just a compiler of laws, some I have modified and a few I have authored. No authorship is claimed here. On any.

1. History does not repeat itself. Historians merely repeat each other.
2. If it’s any good at all, they will discontinue it.
3. People who love sausage and respect the law, should never watch either being made.
4. The one-day you’d sell your soul for something, souls are a glut.
5. Never get into a fight with an ugly person. They have nothing to lose.
6. Everybody lies. It’s okay, though, because nobody listens.
7. When the going gets tough, everybody leaves.
8. Never attribute to malice what could more easily be explained by stupidity.
9. If the shoe fits, it’s ugly.
10. For every action, there is an equal and opposite criticism.
11. It is easier to beg forgiveness than get permission.
12. If you starve with a tiger, the tiger starves last.
13. How long a minute is depends on which side of the bathroom door you are.
14. By the time you get to the point where ends meet, somebody moves the ends.
15. Borrow from pessimists. They never expect it back.
16. He who hesitates is probably right.
17. Generalizations are always false, including this one.
18. Few women admit their age. Fewer men act it.
19. If at first you don’t succeed, try, try again. Then quit. No sense being a fool about it.
20. Never delay the end of a meeting or the beginning of a happy hour.
21. If it were not for the last minute, nothing would get done at all.
22. Nothing is impossible for the man who doesn’t have to do it himself.
23. No problem is too big, too complicated or too complex, that it can not be run away from.
24. You can’t win. You can’t break even. You can’t even quit the game.
25. In nature, nothing is ever right. Therefore, if everything is going right … something is wrong.
26. Anything that begins well ends badly. Anything that begins badly ends worse.
27. Once a job is fucked up, anything done to improve it will only make it worse.
28. Doing it the hard way is always easier.
29. Teamwork is essential. It allows you to blame someone else.
30. Everyone has a scheme that will not work. Everyone that does not work has a scheme that does.
31. If you keep your head while everyone is losing theirs, then you don’t understand the problem.
32. Authority tends to assign jobs to those least able to do them.
33. To err is human – to blame it on somebody else is even more human.
35. If you do something which you are sure will meet with everybody’s approval, somebody t like it.
36. The customer who pays the least complains the most.
37. The longer you wait in line, the greater likelihood that you are standing in the wrong line.
38. Anything labeled NEW and/or IMPROVED isn’t.
39. An expert is one who knows more and more about less and less until he knows absolutely everything about nothing.
40. The older you get, the tougher it is to lose weight, because by then your body and your fat have gotten to be really good friends.
41. It takes a big man to cry. It takes a bigger man to laugh at him.
42. If you think there is good in everybody, you haven’t met everybody.
43. He who laughs last, thinks slowest.
44. Birds of a feather flock together and crap on your car.
45. The 50-50-90 Law: Anytime you have a 50-50 chance of getting something right, there’s a 90% probability you’ll get it wrong.
46. If you’re going through hell, keep going.
47. Nobody really cares or understands what anyone else is doing.
48. Light travels faster than sound. This is why some people appear bright until you hear them speak.
49. The difference between genius and stupidity is that genius has its limits.
50. Anything is possible if you don’t know what you are talking about.
51. Do not argue with an idiot. They will drag you down to their level and beat you with experience.
52. A bank is a place that can lend you money, but only if you can prove that you don’t need it.
53. The network evening newscasts start off by saying “Good Evening” but then they proceed to spend the rest of the half hour explaining to us why it isn’t.
54. Knowledge is knowing that a tomato is a fruit. Wisdom is never putting it in a fruit salad.
55. If you long to teach surfing, don’t move to the desert.
56. Forgive your enemy, but remember the bastard’s name.
57. Help someone when they are in trouble, and they will remember you when they’re in trouble again.
58. Alcohol cannot solve any problems. But then again, neither does milk.
59. Health nuts are going to feel stupid one day when they are lying in the hospital dying of nothing.
60. Life is like a cherry pepper. What you do today might burn your ass tomorrow.

61. The longer the title, the less important the job.
62. When you don’t know what to do, walk fast and look worried.
63.It is impossible to make anything foolproof,
because fools are so in genius.
64.A fine is a tax for doing wrong. A tax is a fine for doing well.
65.If two wrongs don't make a right, try three.
66.Smile... tomorrow could be even worse.
67. Friends come and go but enemies accumulate.
68. If something goes right, subsequent events will show that it would have been better had it gone wrong.
69. The difference between genius and stupidity is that genius has its limits.
70. The qualities that most attract a woman to a man are usually the same ones she can’t stand years later.
71. The things that come to those who wait will be the ones left by the people who got there first.
72. If a problem has multiple solutions, the one you pick will be the most complicated.
73. The best way to get the right answer on the internet is indeed not to ask a question, but rather to post the wrong answer.
74. When you have the perfect comeback to an argument you will remember it hours later.
75. Managers all rise to their level of incompetence.
76. Never make a decision you can get someone else to make.
77. Adding manpower to a project that is behind schedule will delay it further.
78. Give a man a fish, and he will eat for a day, teach a man to fish, and he will sit in a boat and drink beer all day.
79. The probability of being watched is in direct proportion of the stupidity of your act.
80. The shin-bone is a device for finding furniture in a dark room.
81. Given a choice between two theories, take the one which is the funnier.
82. At any event, the people whose seats are furthest from the aisle arrive last.
83. Just when you see the light at the end of the tunnel, the roof caves in.
84. The longer that you wait in line, the greater the likelihood that you are standing in the wrong line.
85. As soon as you find a product that you love, they will stop making it.
86. Change is inevitable, except from a vending machine.
87. Flashlight: A metal tube used to store dead batteries
88. The probability of running into someone you know increases dramatically when you are with someone you with whom you don't want to bee seen.
89. The older that you get the harder it is to lose weight, bceause by then your body and your fat have gotten to be really good friends...
90. At some time in the life cycle of virtually every organization, its ablitity to succeed inspite of itself runs out...
91. The longer the title, the less important the job.
92. Anything you lose automatically doubles in value.
93. By the time when you really understand your phone, it's probably obselete...
94. A closed mouth gathers no feet.
95."That's a lovely nose ring", said no guy ever to a woman. Ever.
96. Money can't buy love, but it sure gets you a great bargaining position.
97. Statesmen tell you what is true even though it may be unpopular. Politicians tell you what is popular even though it may be untrue. 

98. Nothing attracts the soup of the day more than wearing that a brand-new shirt. Extra points if it is white. 

99. We will find out that efficiency is just a highly developed form of laziness. 

100. If there is a worse time for something to go wrong, it will happen then. 

101. Never tell anyone at anytime that you have nothing to do. 

102. The best defense is to either stay out of range or duck very low.  

103. Whatever the activity, the worse the weather, the more you will be out in it.  

104. In any job, a simple instruction will be worded in the most complicated and incoherent way possible.  

105. Just remember it takes fortytwo muscles to frown and only four muscles to flip 'em the bird. 

106.  Nothing is impossible for anyone impervious to reason. 

107. Some object to the fan dancer, others to the fan. 

108. There's no point in worrying about apathy when you couldn't care less. 

109. Build a system that even a fool can use, and only a fool will want to use it. 

110.  Beauty is only skin deep, but ugly goes clean to the bone. 

111. If an experiment works, you must be using the wrong equipment.

112.  Inside every large problem is a small problem struggling to get out. 112. If you can tell the difference between good & bad advice, you don't need advice...

113.  Nature always sides with the hidden flaw.

114.  In any organization there is one person who knows what's going on. This person will be the first fired. 

115. If you think nobody cares you're alive, try missing a couple of car payments...

116. A good sport has to lose to prove it.

117. It is impossible to make anything foolproof because fools are so ingenius.

110. The sooner you fall behind, the more time you will have to catch up.
111. There is no direct relationship between the quality of an education and its cost. 
112. A person who can't lead and won't follow can make a deadly roadblock...
113. The most important document in a stack of papers is always the one you can't find.
114. The chance of your phone battery dying is directly proportional to the importance of the call you're expecting.
115. The fastest way to find something is to start looking for something else.
116. The quieter you try to be, the louder your stomach will growl.
117. The likelihood of a public restroom being out of toilet paper is directly related to the urgency of your need.
118. The more expensive the event, the more likely it will be plagued by technical difficulties.
119. The more confident someone appears in their opinion, the less likely they are to be correct. The person who claims to have the best diet or exercise plan is often the least healthy.
120. The length of a meeting is inversely proportional to its productivity.
121.  Experience is something you don't get until just after you need it. The item you urgently need is always at the bottom of the grocery bag.
122. The traffic light you approach will turn red just as you arrive. The day you forget your umbrella is the day it pours rain.
123. The amount of time it takes for food to cool down is directly proportional to how hungry you are. The probability of finding a parking spot is inversely proportional to how close you need to be to your destination.
124. The more you plan a vacation, the more likely it is to be disrupted by unforeseen events.
125. The easiest way to make a clock's alarm go off is to set it for a day when you don't need to wake up early.
126. The likelihood of getting a stain on your clothing is highest when you're wearing something new.
127. The more you worry about forgetting something, the more likely you are to forget it.
128. The amount of dog hair on your clothes is directly proportional to how formal the event you're attending is.
129. Smile..tomorrow could be worse. 

130. The more that you try to avoid traffic, the more likely you are to encounter it.

     131.  If two wrongs don't make a right, try three.

     132.. Never ask the barber if you need a haircut or a salesman if his is a good price.

     133. When you don’t know what to do, walk fast and look worried.

     134. A fine is a tax for doing wrong. A tax is a fine for doing well.

     135. People are always available for help, in the past tense.

     136. If something is confidential, it will be left in the copier machine.

     137. The chance of forgetting something is directly proportional to ... to ...

     138. In human relations the easiest thing to achieve is a misunderstanding.

     139.  Common sense is the least common of all senses.

     140.  A conclusion is simply the place where you got tired of thinking.

     141. Nothing is so good that somebody, somewhere, will not hate it.

     142.  Only kings, editors, & people with tapeworms have the right to use the editorial we.

     143.  You can't depend on anyone to be wrong all the time.

     144.  All of us could take a lesson from the weather, it pays no attention to criticism.

     145.  Death is the number one killer on our entire planet.

     146.  It always seems that the one item you need is never the one on sale.

     147.  A person who can't lead and won't follow can make a deadly roadblock.

     148.  Virtue is its own punishment.

     149.  Bills travel through the mail at twice the speed of checks.

     150.  If you can't understand it, it is intuitively obvious.

     151.  If nobody measures up, check your yardstick.

     152.  As soon as you make something idiot-proof, along comes another idiot.

     153.  People ask stupid questions for a reason.

     154. The key to a totally open mind is total indifference.

     155. Bodies in motion tend to remain in motion. Bodies at rest tend to remain in bed.

     156.  Never ask the barber if you need a haircut or a salesman if his is a good price.
     157. A quick response is worth a thousand logical responses.
     158. Asking dumb questions is easier than correcting dumb mistakes.
     159. Books, mind & umbrellas only work when they're open.
     160. Assumption is the mother of all screw-ups.
     161. "As a matter of fact" is an expression that precedes many an expression that isn't.

     162. When everything's coming your way, you're in the wrong lane & going the wrong way.

     163. When you don't know what you're doing, do it neatly.

     164. Just when you get really good at something, they don't need you to do it anymore.

     165. Enter a purported contest and be on the sponsor's email list for life.
     166. No one is listening until you make a mistake.
     167. Just remember that it takes 42 muscles to frown and on;y 4 to flip 'em off.
     168. Nothing is impossible for anyone impervious to reason.
     169. Some object to the fan dancer, others to the fan.

     170. There's no point in worrying about apathy when you couldn't care less.

     171. Build a system that even a fool can use, and only a fool will want to use it.

     172. Beauty is only skin deep, but ugly goes clean to the bone.

     173. It’s difficult to soar with eagles when you work with turkeys.

     174. People are always available for help, in the past tense.

     175. If something is confidential, it will be left in the copier machine.

     176. The chance of forgetting something is directly proportional to ... to ...

     177. In human relations the easiest thing to achieve is a misunderstanding.

     178. Sex takes up the least amount of time and causes the most amount of trouble.

     179.  It is impossible for an optimist to be pleasantly surprised.

     180.  A coward is a hero with a wife, kids, and a mortgage.

     181.  You never want the one you can afford.

     182.  You can tell the amateur, he is the one with all the answers.

     183.  There is nothing more dangerous than good intentions combined with stupidity.

     184.  Never do card tricks for the group you play poker with.

     185.  Quality assurance doesn't.

     186.  The only way to make something foolproof is to keep it away from fools.

     187.  There is always one more son of a bitch than you counted on.

     188.  The man who can smile when things go wrong knows someone he can blame it on.

     189.  Never argue with a fool — people might forget who's who.

     190.  Experience is a good teacher, but her fees are high.

     191.  The only perfect science is hindsight.

     I want to get into gardening, but I have a problem. Where do you find bacon seeds?

     Aging gracefully is an art. But, aging disgracefully is a hell of a lot more fun... 

     Sex is a lot like money. Too much is just about right...

     It takes 14 muscles to pour a martini. Fitness is my passion...

     No man goes before his time—unless the boss leaves early...

     Behind every hangover is a person with a promise to never drink again...

     Never argue with left-handed people. They're not right.

     Carrots may be good for your eyes, but remember, liquor can double your vision..

     When someone asks why I am not in a relationship, I say it's a supply chain issue.

     Never trust an artist. They're shady. They're sketchy. And they might frame you...

     Misery loves company. But, so does joy. And joy throws much better parties...

     Just because nobody understands you, does not make you an artist...

     Never confuse education with intelligence. You can have a PHD and still be an idiot.

     No one is as dumb as all of us put together...

     Just because you think that you are special does not mean that you are useful...

     Never put off till tomorrow what you can do the day after tomorrow.

     Remember that every corpse on Mt. Everest was once a very motivated person...

     Life is hard. After all, in the end it kills you.

     Confidence is 10% hard work and 90% delusion.

     Whatever you do, give 100%. Unless you are donating blood.

     Thinking is difficult. That's why most people judge...

     When you are over the hill, you pick up speed...

     Anybody can win -- unless there happens to be a second entry...

     Stay away from negative people. They have a problem for every solution...

     A man can be happy with any woman as long as he doesn't love her.

     Almost anything is easier to get into than out of.

     I'm experimenting with how many apples a day I must eat to keep everyone away, regardless of profession...

     When I was young, I was poor. But after years of hard work, I am no longer young.

     Life is like a cherry pepper. What you do today might burn your ass tomorrow.

     Great minds think alike. Unfortunately, so do stupid ones...

     Just sold my homing pigeon on eBay for the 33rd time.

     Worrying about what you cannot change will forever be your biggest waste of time...

     Begin the journey of not hating yourself. Hate everyone else instead...

     Adding manpower to a project that is behind schedule will delay it further.

     Those who live by the sword, get shot by those who don’t.

     The worst pupil in any class will be a school principal’s son.

     Never go to a doctor whose office plants have died.

     I don't always go the extra mile, but when I do...It's because I've missed my exit.

     Whatever plan you make, there is a hidden difficulty somewhere that will derail it.

     Don't let anyone ruin your day. It's your day. Ruin it yourself...

     No one can ever leave anything well enough alone.

     Inside every large problem is many other small problems struggling to get out.

     Worry is the down payment on a problem you may never have...

     It is much harder to find a job than to keep one.

     Life is not a box of chocolates. It's a tin of mixed nuts at best.

     The worse the haircut, the slower it grows out.

     Bad weather reports are right more often than sunny ones.

     Being punctual only means your mistake will be made on time.

     The truth shall get you fired.

     If people listened to themselves more often, they would talk a lot less.

     The driver’s side windshield wiper always streaks and wears out first.

     If everything is coming your way, it's time to watch out.

     If it looks easy, it’s tough. If it looks tough, it’s impossible.

     Progress is the endless exchange of one problem for another.

     The one emergency for which you are fully prepared will never happen.

     The slowest drivers all know the fastest shortcuts.

     If you cannot convince people, confuse them.

     The shortest distance between two points is usually under construction.

     You are only young once. But you can stay immature forever...

     The first five days after the weekend are the hardest.

     Profanity is the one language understood by all..

     The more difficult a simple thing becomes, the faster you should exit.

     Tomorrow is not promised to anyone. So, cuss that bastard out today...

     My bet is that aliens ride past Earth and lock their doors.

     If you love someone, set them free-If they come back with tacos, it was meant to be.

     Stick with people who bring out your magic, not your madness...

     Everything takes longer than you think it will.

     Life has only two sizes, too large and too small.

     Work smarder and not harder and be careful of yor speling.

     No battle plan ever survives contact with the wife.

     After all is said and done, a hell of a lot more is said than done.

     The first myth of management is that it exists.

     To err is human, but to really foul things up you need a computer.

     The chief cause of problems is solutions.

     It is better to be looked over than overlooked.

     Beauty is only skin deep, but it's a superficial world...

     Abstain from wine, women, and song; mostly song.

     Don't worry about old age. It doesn't last that long...

     It's never too late to be what you want, unless it's to be younger, then ur screwed.

     Everyone has a clear idea how others should live their lives, but none on their own.

     It is important to know who in your life is gold, and who is merely gold-plated.

     All of us could take a lesson from the weather. It pays no attention to criticism.

     If at first you don't succeed, then skydiving is not for you.

     One good turn gets most of the blankets.

     Sex is one of the nine reasons for reincarnation, the other eight are unimportant.

     If you view a problem closely enough, you'll recognize you are part of the problem.

     Love is a matter of chemistry, sex is a matter of physics.

     The game of love is never called off on account of darkness.

     The book you spent $24.95 for today will come out in paperback tomorrow.

     After a raise in salary, you will find that you have less money than you had before.

     If only closed minds came with closed mouths...

     When a man's wife learns to understand him, she usually stops listening to him.

     Common sense is like deodorant. The people that need it most never use it.

     The nicer someone is, the farther away (s)he is from you.

     I am starting to think, quite possibly, I'll never be old enough to know better.

     A meeting is an event at which the minutes are kept and the hours are lost.

     If it's not in the computer, it doesn't exist.

     If the person isn't taken, there's a reason.

     Sex appeal is 50% what you've got and 50% what people think you've got.

     The least experienced fisherman always catches the biggest fish.

     Before we perfect artificial intelligence, can we work on natural stupidity?

     While you are reading this, something is going wrong
     but you don't know it... yet

     The minute you get interested is the minute they find someone else.

     Honesty is the best policy — there's less competition.

     There is no remedy for sex but more sex.

     If your parents never had sex, chances are you won't either.

     An ounce of image is worth a pound of performance.

     You can never run out of things that will go wrong.

     Thou shalt not commit adultery.....unless in the mood.

     Sex discriminates against the shy and the ugly.

     Love is the delusion that one woman differs from another.

     Sex is dirty only if it's done right.

     Never go to bed mad, stay up and fight.

     You never know how soon is too late.

     Love is the triumph of imagination over intelligence.

     Never argue with a woman when she's tired -- or rested.

     Love your neighbor, but don't get caught.

     There is no difference between a wise man and a fool when they fall in love.

     Never sleep with anyone crazier than yourself. 

     One day you will find someone totally ovsessed with you. It will probably be a fucking dog, but it is what it is.

     I just got fired from my job as a set designer. I left without making a scene...

     
     

     Sometimes I wonder if this is all happening because I didn't forward that email in 2006 tp 10 people...

     
     

     If you think your boss is stupid, remember: You wouldn’t have a job if he was smart...

     I’ve had amnesia for as long as I can…

     I have seen the future, and it is expensuve...

     
     

     I have never seen anyone jogging & smiling. That's all I need to know...

      

     On a positive note, I am officially too old to have a mid-life crisis...

      

     My therapist thinks that I'm obsessed with revenge. I'll show him...

      

     Tomorrow is not promised. Call your siblings & tell them they're ugly & adopted.

      

     I am going to start a support group for procrastinators. Whenever I get around to it...

      

     Don't you hate it when someone answers their own question? I do...

      
     

     I used to have a handle on life. But then it broke...

     
     Exotic is using a feather. Kinky is using the whole chicken...

The good news is that I am officially too old for a mid-life crisis. The bad news is there ain't no gold...

Exaggerations went up 1.3 trillion percent last year...

Some cause happiness wherever they go. Others, whenever they go...

How do you keep an idiot in suspense?

My date was supposed to meet me at the gym. No show. I guess we won't work out.

I have kleptomania, but when it gets bad I take something for it...

There are 3 kinds of people in this world, those who can count and those who can't.

 I started out with nothing, and I still have most of it...

 I have an inferiority complex, but it's not a very good one...

 Why are people always asking rhetorical questions?

 Honesty is the best policy, but insanity is the best defense...

 My friends tell me I have an intimacy problem, but they don't really know me...

 There are two types of people in the world, those who need closure

Don't be part of the problem. Be the whole problem...

 My ex still misses me. But I do have to say that her aim is getting better...

 Are people born with photographic memories, or does it take time to develop?

An apple a day can keep everyone away if you throw it hard enough...

 

The older that I get, the earlier it gets late...

 

It takes patience to listen. It takes real skill to pretend you are listening....

 

Vegetarian is an American Indian word meaning "bad hunter"...

 

Among the things that are so simple even a child can operate them are parents...

 

Be yourself can be the worst advice that you could give some people...

Money can't buy happiness, but it sure makes misery easier to live with...

 

You've gotta hand it to blind prostitutes...

 

The only thing that comes to you without effort is old age...

 

Behind every successful man is a woman, behind her is his wife...

 

Never fall for a tennis player. Love means nothing to them...

Fake people have an image to maintain, real people just don’t care...

 

Friends are people who know you really well and like you anyway...

 

The older you get, the better you get. Unless you are a banana..

 

My girlfriend dated a clown right before me. I've got some big shoes to fill...

Just found out I'm colorblind. The diagnosis came right out of the purple...

 

Trying is the first step toward failure...

 

Laugh at your problems, everybody else does...

 

I don't have ducks. I don't have a row. I have squirrels & they're at a pagan rave.

 

Love is blind, but marriage is a real eye-opener...

 

Love is a two-way street constantly under construction...

 

Getting the ability to fly would be so uplifting...

 

I was addicted to the hokey pokey, but then I turned myself around...

 

Doing nothing is very hard to do. You never know when you are finished...

 

Two men walk into a bar. You'd think one of the fucker's would have ducked...

 

Despite the high cost of living, it remains popular.

 

If you wait until you are ready, you will be waiting for the rest of your life...

 

I believe in YOU. I also believe in Big Foot, so don't get too excited...

 

Atheism is a non-prophet organization...

 

When life gives you melons, you might be dyslexic.

 

I found a book on how to solve 50% of your problems. So I bought two...

 

Having a girlfriend is cool until you realize what it costs to feed them…

 

Remember, if you can't say something nice, make it funny...

 

I am afraid of elevators, so I take steps to avoid them...

 

No one should have children over 35. Think about it, 35 children is enough...

We have enough youth. How about a Fountain of Smart?

Always take life with a grain of salt. Plus a slice of lemon and a shot of tequila.

 

The trouble with getting to work on time is that it makes the day so damn long...

 

If attacked by a mob of clowns, go for the juggler..

 

Maybe if we start telling people their brain is an app, they’ll want to use it...

 

If you see your glass as half empty, pour it into a smaller glass and stop bitching.

 

I used to think I was indecisive. Now, I am not so sure...

 

Never chase after someone who doesn't chase after you. So fuck the ice cream guy...

Age is something that does not matter. Unless you are whiskey...

 

Give me coffee to change things I can & a martini to accept the things I cannot...

 

Making plans is a great idea until you realize that you have to put clothes on & go out.

 

Be the reason someone smiles today. Or blocks you. Just make a difference...

 

If you can't look at your youth & realize that you were an idiot, then odds are probably still are one...

 

Stop blaming yourself for your failures. Learn astrology & blame the planets instead...

 

So many people today are far too judgmental. I can tell just by looking at them...

 

When a woman says correct me if I'm wrong, do not under any circumstances do it..

I want to get into gardening, but I have a problem. Where do you find bacon seeds?