Bud's Laws Original Master as of 9/16/2023 PLEASE NOTE: I am just a compiler of laws, some I have modified and a few I have authored. No authorship is claimed here. On any.
1. History does not repeat itself. Historians merely repeat each other.
2. If it’s any good at all, they will discontinue it.
3. People who love sausage and respect the law, should never watch either being made.
4. The one-day you’d sell your soul for something, souls are a glut.
5. Never get into a fight with an ugly person. They have nothing to lose.
6. Everybody lies. It’s okay, though, because nobody listens.
7. When the going gets tough, everybody leaves.
8. Never attribute to malice what could more easily be explained by stupidity.
9. If the shoe fits, it’s ugly.
10. For every action, there is an equal and opposite criticism.
11. It is easier to beg forgiveness than get permission.
12. If you starve with a tiger, the tiger starves last.
13. How long a minute is depends on which side of the bathroom door you are.
14. By the time you get to the point where ends meet, somebody moves the ends.
15. Borrow from pessimists. They never expect it back.
16. He who hesitates is probably right.
17. Generalizations are always false, including this one.
18. Few women admit their age. Fewer men act it.
19. If at first you don’t succeed, try, try again. Then quit. No sense being a fool about it.
20. Never delay the end of a meeting or the beginning of a happy hour.
21. If it were not for the last minute, nothing would get done at all.
22. Nothing is impossible for the man who doesn’t have to do it himself.
23. No problem is too big, too complicated or too complex, that it can not be run away from.
24. You can’t win. You can’t break even. You can’t even quit the game.
25. In nature, nothing is ever right. Therefore, if everything is going right … something is wrong.
26. Anything that begins well ends badly. Anything that begins badly ends worse.
27. Once a job is fucked up, anything done to improve it will only make it worse.
28. Doing it the hard way is always easier.
29. Teamwork is essential. It allows you to blame someone else.
30. Everyone has a scheme that will not work. Everyone that does not work has a scheme that does.
31. If you keep your head while everyone is losing theirs, then you don’t understand the problem.
32. Authority tends to assign jobs to those least able to do them.
33. To err is human – to blame it on somebody else is even more human.
35. If you do something which you are sure will meet with everybody’s approval, somebody t like it.
36. The customer who pays the least complains the most.
37. The longer you wait in line, the greater likelihood that you are standing in the wrong line.
38. Anything labeled NEW and/or IMPROVED isn’t.
39. An expert is one who knows more and more about less and less until he knows absolutely everything about nothing.
40. The older you get, the tougher it is to lose weight, because by then your body and your fat have gotten to be really good friends.
41. It takes a big man to cry. It takes a bigger man to laugh at him.
42. If you think there is good in everybody, you haven’t met everybody.
43. He who laughs last, thinks slowest.
44. Birds of a feather flock together and crap on your car.
45. The 50-50-90 Law: Anytime you have a 50-50 chance of getting something right, there’s a 90% probability you’ll get it wrong.
46. If you’re going through hell, keep going.
47. Nobody really cares or understands what anyone else is doing.
48. Light travels faster than sound. This is why some people appear bright until you hear them speak.
49. The difference between genius and stupidity is that genius has its limits.
50. Anything is possible if you don’t know what you are talking about.
51. Do not argue with an idiot. They will drag you down to their level and beat you with experience.
52. A bank is a place that can lend you money, but only if you can prove that you don’t need it.
53. The network evening newscasts start off by saying “Good Evening” but then they proceed to spend the rest of the half hour explaining to us why it isn’t.
54. Knowledge is knowing that a tomato is a fruit. Wisdom is never putting it in a fruit salad.
55. If you long to teach surfing, don’t move to the desert.
56. Forgive your enemy, but remember the bastard’s name.
57. Help someone when they are in trouble, and they will remember you when they’re in trouble again.
58. Alcohol cannot solve any problems. But then again, neither does milk.
59. Health nuts are going to feel stupid one day when they are lying in the hospital dying of nothing.
60. Life is like a cherry pepper. What you do today might burn your ass tomorrow.
61. The longer the title, the less important the job.
62. When you don’t know what to do, walk fast and look worried.
63.It is impossible to make anything foolproof,
because fools are so in genius.
64.A fine is a tax for doing wrong. A tax is a fine for doing well.
65.If two wrongs don't make a right, try three.
66.Smile... tomorrow could be even worse.
67. Friends come and go but enemies accumulate.
68. If something goes right, subsequent events will show that it would have been better had it gone wrong.
69. The difference between genius and stupidity is that genius has its limits.
70. The qualities that most attract a woman to a man are usually the same ones she can’t stand years later.
71. The things that come to those who wait will be the ones left by the people who got there first.
72. If a problem has multiple solutions, the one you pick will be the most complicated.
73. The best way to get the right answer on the internet is indeed not to ask a question, but rather to post the wrong answer.
74. When you have the perfect comeback to an argument you will remember it hours later.
75. Managers all rise to their level of incompetence.
76. Never make a decision you can get someone else to make.
77. Adding manpower to a project that is behind schedule will delay it further.
78. Give a man a fish, and he will eat for a day, teach a man to fish, and he will sit in a boat and drink beer all day.
79. The probability of being watched is in direct proportion of the stupidity of your act.
80. The shin-bone is a device for finding furniture in a dark room.
81. Given a choice between two theories, take the one which is the funnier.
82. At any event, the people whose seats are furthest from the aisle arrive last.
83. Just when you see the light at the end of the tunnel, the roof caves in.
84. The longer that you wait in line, the greater the likelihood that you are standing in the wrong line.
85. As soon as you find a product that you love, they will stop making it.
86. Change is inevitable, except from a vending machine.
87. Flashlight: A metal tube used to store dead batteries
88. The probability of running into someone you know increases dramatically when you are with someone you with whom you don't want to bee seen.
89. The older that you get the harder it is to lose weight, bceause by then your body and your fat have gotten to be really good friends...
90. At some time in the life cycle of virtually every organization, its ablitity to succeed inspite of itself runs out...
91. The longer the title, the less important the job.
92. Anything you lose automatically doubles in value.
93. By the time when you really understand your phone, it's probably obselete...
94. A closed mouth gathers no feet.
95."That's a lovely nose ring", said no guy ever to a woman. Ever.
96. Money can't buy love, but it sure gets you a great bargaining position.
97. Statesmen tell you what is true even though it may be unpopular. Politicians tell you what is popular even though it may be untrue.
98. Nothing attracts the soup of the day more than wearing that a brand-new shirt. Extra points if it is white.
99. We will find out that efficiency is just a highly developed form of laziness.
100. If there is a worse time for something to go wrong, it will happen then.
101. Never tell anyone at anytime that you have nothing to do.
102. The best defense is to either stay out of range or duck very low.
103. Whatever the activity, the worse the weather, the more you will be out in it.
104. In any job, a simple instruction will be worded in the most complicated and incoherent way possible.
105. Just remember it takes fortytwo muscles to frown and only four muscles to flip 'em the bird.
106. Nothing is impossible for anyone impervious to reason.
107. Some object to the fan dancer, others to the fan.
108. There's no point in worrying about apathy when you couldn't care less.
109. Build a system that even a fool can use, and only a fool will want to use it.
110. Beauty is only skin deep, but ugly goes clean to the bone.
111. If an experiment works, you must be using the wrong equipment.
112. Inside every large problem is a small problem struggling to get out. 112. If you can tell the difference between good & bad advice, you don't need advice...
113. Nature always sides with the hidden flaw.
114. In any organization there is one person who knows what's going on. This person will be the first fired.
115. If you think nobody cares you're alive, try missing a couple of car payments...
116. A good sport has to lose to prove it.
117. It is impossible to make anything foolproof because fools are so ingenius.
- The sooner you fall behind, the more time you will have to catch up.
- There is no direct relationship between the quality of an education and its cost.
- A person who can't lead and won't follow can make a deadly roadblock...
- The most important document in a stack of papers is always the one you can't find.
- The chance of your phone battery dying is directly proportional to the importance of the call you're expecting.
- The fastest way to find something is to start looking for something else.
- The quieter you try to be, the louder your stomach will growl.
- The likelihood of a public restroom being out of toilet paper is directly related to the urgency of your need.
- The more expensive the event, the more likely it will be plagued by technical difficulties.
- The more confident someone appears in their opinion, the less likely they are to be correct. The person who claims to have the best diet or exercise plan is often the least healthy.
- The length of a meeting is inversely proportional to its productivity.
- Experience is something you don't get until just after you need it. The item you urgently need is always at the bottom of the grocery bag.
- The traffic light you approach will turn red just as you arrive. The day you forget your umbrella is the day it pours rain.
- The amount of time it takes for food to cool down is directly proportional to how hungry you are. The probability of finding a parking spot is inversely proportional to how close you need to be to your destination.
- The more you plan a vacation, the more likely it is to be disrupted by unforeseen events.
- The easiest way to make a clock's alarm go off is to set it for a day when you don't need to wake up early.
- The likelihood of getting a stain on your clothing is highest when you're wearing something new.
- The more you worry about forgetting something, the more likely you are to forget it.
- The amount of dog hair on your clothes is directly proportional to how formal the event you're attending is.
- Smile..tomorrow could be worse.
The more that you try to avoid traffic, the more likely you are to encounter it.
131. If two wrongs don't make a right, try three.
132.. Never ask the barber if you need a haircut or a salesman if his is a good price.
133. When you don’t know what to do, walk fast and look worried.
134. A fine is a tax for doing wrong. A tax is a fine for doing well.
135. People are always available for help, in the past tense.
136. If something is confidential, it will be left in the copier machine.
137. The chance of forgetting something is directly proportional to ... to ...
138. In human relations the easiest thing to achieve is a misunderstanding.
139. Common sense is the least common of all senses.
140. A conclusion is simply the place where you got tired of thinking.
141. Nothing is so good that somebody, somewhere, will not hate it.
142. Only kings, editors, & people with tapeworms have the right to use the editorial we.
143. You can't depend on anyone to be wrong all the time.
144. All of us could take a lesson from the weather, it pays no attention to criticism.
145. Death is the number one killer on our entire planet.
146. It always seems that the one item you need is never the one on sale.
147. A person who can't lead and won't follow can make a deadly roadblock.
148. Virtue is its own punishment.
149. Bills travel through the mail at twice the speed of checks.
150. If you can't understand it, it is intuitively obvious.
151. If nobody measures up, check your yardstick.
152. As soon as you make something idiot-proof, along comes another idiot.
153. People ask stupid questions for a reason.
154. The key to a totally open mind is total indifference.
155. Bodies in motion tend to remain in motion. Bodies at rest tend to remain in bed.
156. Never ask the barber if you need a haircut or a salesman if his is a good price.
157. A quick response is worth a thousand logical responses.
158. Asking dumb questions is easier than correcting dumb mistakes.
159. Books, mind & umbrellas only work when they're open.
160. Assumption is the mother of all screw-ups.
161. "As a matter of fact" is an expression that precedes many an expression that isn't.
162. When everything's coming your way, you're in the wrong lane & going the wrong way.
163. When you don't know what you're doing, do it neatly.
164. Just when you get really good at something, they don't need you to do it anymore.
165. Enter a purported contest and be on the sponsor's email list for life.
166. No one is listening until you make a mistake.
167. Just remember that it takes 42 muscles to frown and on;y 4 to flip 'em off.
168. Nothing is impossible for anyone impervious to reason.
169. Some object to the fan dancer, others to the fan.
170. There's no point in worrying about apathy when you couldn't care less.
171. Build a system that even a fool can use, and only a fool will want to use it.172. Beauty is only skin deep, but ugly goes clean to the bone.
173. It’s difficult to soar with eagles when you work with turkeys.
174. People are always available for help, in the past tense.
175. If something is confidential, it will be left in the copier machine.
176. The chance of forgetting something is directly proportional to ... to ...
177. In human relations the easiest thing to achieve is a misunderstanding.
178. Sex takes up the least amount of time and causes the most amount of trouble.
179. It is impossible for an optimist to be pleasantly surprised.
180. A coward is a hero with a wife, kids, and a mortgage.
181. You never want the one you can afford.
182. You can tell the amateur, he is the one with all the answers.
183. There is nothing more dangerous than good intentions combined with stupidity.
184. Never do card tricks for the group you play poker with.
185. Quality assurance doesn't.
186. The only way to make something foolproof is to keep it away from fools.
187. There is always one more son of a bitch than you counted on.
188. The man who can smile when things go wrong knows someone he can blame it on.
189. Never argue with a fool — people might forget who's who.
190. Experience is a good teacher, but her fees are high.
191. The only perfect science is hindsight.